The Maester of Spira
by Carbuncle
Summary: Legend has it, that the Maester of Spira can fix anything. So, ala The Wizard of Oz, Tidus, Wakka, Lulu and Kimahri set off along the Mi'ihen Highroad...


To celebrate the UK release of Final Fantasy X-2 on February 20th, I decided to write a new FFX fanfic. It's the first one from me in a long time, and it's a parody of The Wizard of Oz. Enjoy.  
  
Tidus: Well, Auron, I don't think we're in Zanarkand anymore.  
Auron: Bark, bark!  
Tidus: What...?!  
Auron: Oh, sorry, I had something stuck in my throat. I said, "Neither do I."  
(A bunch of Moogles emerge from the bushes, slowly. They begin to surround Tidus and Auron.)  
Tidus: Wh-What the hell are these things?! Quick, kill the little bastards!  
Auron: Relax, I don't think they're dangerous.  
Tidus: What makes you so damn sure?  
Auron: Well, this.  
(The Moogles are offering Auron a glass of lemonade. They bring him a chair and he slumps back into it.)  
Auron: Ah, thank you.  
Kupo: Allow us to introduce ourselves, we are the Moogles of Spira, kupo. We exist only to serve the needs of others. May I fluff your pillow, kupo?  
Auron: Well, uh, you didn't give me a pillow.  
Kupo: Well, that's easily fixed, kupo. Someone bring this guy a pillow.  
(Three Moogles rush towards Auron, carrying pillows. He chooses one and places it behind him.)  
Auron: Thank you. Hey, I could get used to this.  
Tidus: Well I couldn't. I don't like being waited on hand and foot, I prefer the satisfaction of doing things for myself. I wanna go home.  
Auron: Home? Don't be silly. You don't want to go home. At home, you're not treated like a king. At home, you're treated more like yesterday's trash.  
Tidus: Correction, last week's trash. And that's the way I like it, dammit.  
Kupo: Well, kupo, if you'd really like to return home, then I'm afraid that's one thing we Moogles cannot do for you.  
Tidus: Oh!  
Kupo: But there is one person that can help. The Maester of Spira.  
Tidus: The Maester of Spira?  
Kupo: Yes, kupo. The all powerful, all mighty maester. He can perform such fantastic miracles, if you need help getting home, he's your best, and perhaps only, chance, kupo.  
Tidus: Well that settles it then. C'mon, Auron, we're off to see the maester.  
Moogles: ...the wonderful Maester of Spira!  
Tidus: What?  
Auron: Oh, all right, if we must. But it sure would've been sweet getting the old royality treatment for a little while.  
(Auron gets up and begins to stretch.)  
Tidus: (to Kupo) So, how do we find this maester?  
Kupo: That's easy, kupo. You just follow the Mi'ihen Highroad. But be careful, the road is fraught with danger, kupo.  
Tidus: Wh-What kind of danger...?  
Kupo: Heck, we don't know. We wouldn't walk along that road if you paid us. I mean, we're not stupid, kupo.  
Tidus: Well, what ever dangers lurk along that road, I'm sure Auron and I will be able to handle them. Right, Auron?  
Auron: Right, well, if by "handling" you mean "running away from", yes, I'm sure we'll be fine.  
(Rikku descends from the skies, dressed in a slutty-looking dress. It appears her Christina Aguilera transformation is in its early stage. She crashes into the bushes. Tidus and Auron seem concerned. Rikku emerges from the bushes, wiping the leaves and crap off her hot body.)  
Rikku: I swear I'll get the hang of this flying thing one day...  
Tidus: Are you okay, Miss?  
Rikku: Oh, I'm fine.  
(Tidus looks at Rikku's leg. It's disjointed.)  
Tidus: Well, it looks to me as though your leg might be broke.  
Rikku: Yeah, it is.  
Tidus: ...then, you can't really be fine.  
Rikku: I meant I was fine looks-wise. But physically, yeah, I'm in pain, so I'll make this quick. I am the sexy Witch of the North.  
Tidus: You're that all right. But what about it?  
Rikku: Well, I understand that you want to go home. I've flown in to give you directions to the maester's place.  
Tidus: We, uh, already know the way. The Moogles told us.  
Rikku: (to the Moogles) You little freaks! I was supposed to tell 'em the way to the maester's, dummies! You stole my bit! God, I hate Moogles!  
Tidus: ...uh, okay, well, we'll be off then. Let's go, Auron.  
(He and Auron begin walking along the Mi'ihen Highroad. In the background, Rikku starts beating up the Moogles with her magic wand. Meanwhile, back on the Mi'ihen Highroad, Tidus and Auron run into Wakka. He's twirling a blitzball around his finger, though he keeps dropping it.)  
Wakka: Agh! Not again!  
Tidus: Hi.  
Wakka: Oh, uh, hi there, brudda.  
(Wakka starts twirling the blitzball around again. He drops it again.)  
Wakka: Dammit! Focus, Wakka!  
Tidus: What are you doing?  
Wakka: Ah, I'm practicing for the blitzball game in Luca this weekend. Me and the team are in the finals, but if we don't get good quick, we haven't got no chance of winning, brudda. I've been trying to perfect my skills for days now, but I don't seem to be improving at all.  
Tidus: Well, my friend, Auron, and I are on our way to see the maester. Apparently he can help with any problem, no matter how dumb. You should come with us, he might be able to do something about your crappy ball control.  
Wakka: Ya think?  
Tidus: Well, sure. Obviously your poor playing skills are down to the fact that you have no hand-eye co-ordination. And if this maester's as good as everyone says he is, he should be able to correct your problem.  
Wakka: Well all right then, brudda. I'll come with ya. Name's Wakka, by the way. Ma was into Pac-Man. Fact, Ma was Pac-Man. Well, Ma was actually Mrs. Pac-Man, Pa was Pac-Man, but aren't they both basically the same character underneath?  
Tidus: Yeah, whatever. Nice to meet you, Wakka.  
(Tidus, Auron and Wakka begin walking along the Mi'ihen Highroad. As he walks, Wakka's mouth flaps up and down, like Pac-Man, devouring tiny yellow balls in his path.)  
Wakka: Wakka, Wakka, Wakka, Wakka!  
(Further down the road, Tidus, Auron and Wakka bump into Lulu. She's adjusting her dress, having a bit of trouble keeping her boobs neatly in place.)  
Lulu: Gosh darn it!  
Wakka: Wow! Look at her! She's beautiful!  
Auron: Come on, let's gang-rape her.  
Tidus: You sick... (trials off) Hi there, Ma'am. Is there a problem?  
Lulu: You're damn right there is, I can't keep these things in check. Damn things are so big, they keep popping back out of my dress. I keep trying to find a decent sized bra, but there's no store that stocks double-double-double-double-double-triple-D.  
Wakka: Tch! You're exaggerating a little, aren't you?  
Tidus: In need of a bra, huh? Well, that doesn't seem that much to ask. You wanna tag along with us to see the maester?  
Lulu: You mean the Maester of Spira?  
Tidus: Yeah. If anyone can help with your bra dilemma, he can. At least, that's the impression we've been led to believe.  
Lulu: Fine, then I shall accompany you three on your travels.  
Tidus: Cool.  
(Tidus, Auron, Wakka and Lulu begin walking along the Mi'ihen Highroad. Eventually, they meet Kimahri.)  
Tidus: Hey, look, everybody. A lion.  
Wakka & Lulu: Ah!  
Kimahri: ...  
Tidus: Uh, hello.  
Kimahri: ...  
Tidus: What's the deal with this dude?  
Lulu: That's Kimahri Ronso, of the Ronso Tribe. He's learned the fiends' way of fighting.  
Tidus: Huh?  
Wakka: In English, he's a big, scary, bad-tempered beast with a short fuse!  
Tidus: Well he doesn't seem so scary to me. Hi there, Kimahri.  
Kimahri: Hmm. Kimahri told not to talk to strangers.  
Tidus: Well, I know your name, so technically that doesn't make us strangers, does it?  
Kimahri: Kimahri not recognise you. In Kimahri's opinion, that makes you strangers.  
Tidus: What's the matter, Kimahri? You seem down. Would you like to hang with us? We're going to see the Maester of Spira.  
Kimahri: Actually, Kimahri would. Kimahri must speak with maester about personal problem.  
Tidus: What kind of personal problem?  
Kimahri: Kimahri cannot say. It personal.  
(A flea leaps off Kimahri and lands on Wakka. Wakka begins to scratch.)  
Tidus: Oh, all right.  
(Tidus, Auron, Wakka, Lulu and Kimahri begin walking along the Mi'ihen Highroad. Unfortunately for the travellers, they're being watched through a crystal ball by Jecht from Bevelle.)  
Jecht: So, they're off to see the maester, eh? Well, not if I have anything to do with it.  
(He turns to the Chocobo Knights.)  
Jecht: You know what to do.  
(The Chocobo Knights remain motionless.)  
Jecht: Bring them to me, you idiots!  
(Back on the road, our heroes are skipping along, singing.)  
Tidus, Auron, Wakka, Lulu & Kimahri: We're off to see the Maester, the wonderful Maester of Spira!  
Tidus: Because!  
Auron: Because!  
Wakka: Because!  
Lulu: Because!  
Kimahri: Because!  
Tidus, Auron, Wakka, Lulu & Kimahri: Because of the wonderful things he does!  
(All of a sudden, the Chocobo Knights run along the road and capture our heroes using fishing nets. They drag our heroes off and drop them off at Bevelle.)  
Jecht: Welcome to Bevelle!  
Tidus: Thanks. It's, uh, nice to be here.  
Jecht: You've been kidnapped, by the way.  
Tidus: What?!  
Wakka: What do you plan to do with us, brudda?!  
Jecht: Well, I needed to bring you here. You see, I have a dark secret that involves (indicating Tidus) this young man here.  
Tidus: Me?  
Jecht: Yes. You see, Tidus, I am your father.  
Tidus: Aah!  
Jecht: And I'm so ashamed of myself for not being there for the first 17 years of your life, but don't worry. I plan to make up for all the time I've missed. Grab your coat, sonny, we're going to the movies.  
Tidus: Uh, I'd rather not.  
Jecht: But I'm your daddy!  
Tidus: So you say, but I want a DNA test.  
Jecht: Tch, fine. I'll make an appointment with the maester.  
Tidus: That wouldn't be the Maester of Spira, by any chance, would it?  
Jecht: The same.  
Tidus: It's just we're going to see him ourselves, anyways. Instead of going through all the trouble of making an appointment, why don't you just come with us now?  
Jecht: Well, all right then.  
(They leave Bevelle, but it starts raining. As a result, Jecht begins to melt.)  
Jecht: Oh, no! I'm melting! Melting!!  
(He melts into a pool of nothing.)  
Tidus: Wow, that's unusual.  
(Wakka, Lulu and Kimahri are standing behind him, wearing raincoats.)  
Lulu: Not really, that was acid rain.  
Tidus: Huh? But I'm not wearing one of those fancy raincoats. How come it didn't melt me, too?  
Wakka: Easy. You're a freak of nature.  
Tidus: Ahh!  
Wakka: Eh, don't panic. It's obviously paying off, right?  
(Eventually, the travelling friends reach Guadosalam. They knock the door of Seymour's Mansion. A hatch in the door opens, revealing Yuna's face.)  
Yuna: Hello...?  
Tidus: We're here to see the maester. This is where he lives, right?  
Yuna: Nobody sees the maester! Not nobody, not no how!  
Tidus: (sadly) ...okay, we'll go then. Sorry to bother you.  
Yuna: Oh, it's all right, I'm just kidding.  
(The doors swing open, revealing Yuna, wearing black leather and holding a whip. Tidus, Auron, Wakka, Lulu and Kimahri walk in.)  
Tidus: I don't even wanna ask!  
(They walk into Seymour's Chamber and find the maester, half naked. He's rubbing himself.)  
Seymour: I told you to leave it, Yuna, if it's anyone important they'll call back later. Now, let's get back to it, shall we?  
(He looks up and sees our heroes.)  
Seymour: Oh, fudge. Who the devil are you people?  
Tidus: Maester? We are but a group of lowly travellers, who have come seeking your assistance. Please, could you help us?  
Lulu: Yes, and for the love of Yevon, put some clothes on while you're at it.  
Seymour: Very well, I shall help, it is my job, after all. But you can forget about me putting any clothes on.  
Wakka: Oh, Maester, sir, if it's not too much, brudda, I could really do with some of that hand-eye co-ordination, so that I may play blitzball like a real pro. Or at least a beginner.  
Seymour: You must be confused, young man. You cannot simply give a person hand-eye co-ordination, that's something you're born with. You just need to practice once in a while, and by once in a while, I mean, every single hour of every single day.  
Wakka: Oh, okay.  
Lulu: Maester, I have a problem too. My boobs are so big that I can't find a bra suitable enough to pack them in.  
Seymour: You call that a problem?  
Kimahri: Maester, Kimahri developed flea problem lately. Would it be possible for Maester to give Kimahri something to get rid of them?  
Seymour: No, but I can give you some advice. Take a bath once in a while. It's not just the fleas that you have a problem with. I mean, you stink.  
Kimahri: ...  
Tidus: Oh, Maester, a mere two hours ago, my friend, Auron and I were swept up in our home of Zanarkand by something called Sin, and sent here to Spira. And though we do not wish to cause you or the people of Spira any offence, we can't stand it here, and we wanna go home, so... can you help us, please?  
Seymour: Of course I can. All you have to do to get home is simply destroy that entity Sin, the thing that brought you here.  
Tidus: Destroy it, huh...? On second thoughts, Spira doesn't seem so bad after all.  
Seymour: You've made the right decision. Sin would've surely killed you anyway.  
Tidus: ...  
Seymour: But if you're staying, you can make yourself useful. As you can probably tell from my incredibly camp voice, I do have some homosexual tendencies, and I've been looking for a handsome young man like yourself for months. How would you like to make a lot of money for a few hours work, baby?  
(Seymour flashes his crotch and holds up a pile of Gil.)  
Tidus: Eh, beats being unemployed.  
(Seymour hands Tidus a broom.)  
Seymour: Excellent, the place could really do with a spring clean.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
THE END  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 


End file.
